I’ve been at work all night, but, still I feel I need to get some of this clutter off my brain. Who am I to give asecond thought of how I left other people? To me as long as you’re happy, that’s enough. Right? “You came here alone, you die alone” Wrong. The only reason I’d leave someone out of my life, is if they are no longer adding anything worth value to it. Is that selfish? Hell no, you have to help yourself, because no one is going to just hand you a damn thing in life. To My Now, There are so many things that I will never understand. Why I hoped I wouldn’t do what I always do, and find a back up while I have you. But am I all to blame, look how things changed.. The dynamic in this “relationship” we have isof the most thought provoking I’ve ever had to deal with. In the beginning it was like, a broken green light, and constant go go go . Now, when it should be safe and dandy, it’s like broken glass, yet here I am, stepping through it, hoping to not fix it, but find a piece we can agree that we like and want to look at together. Yet I feel like I’m in a relationship, were you aren’t in one at all. Not even in a good way, the distant way, and given I’m still dealing with the same shit I always have to when living my second life, you never seemed to care in the start of this chapter. I still find the worst part to be the fact that I’m slowly becoming okay with it, slipping into the part of my thoughts where I have no feelings, becoming evermore present these days. Then I get around you, and it’s like, oceans of nerves. I always told myself don’t get attached.. Not because I was hurt over my past, because that was long gone, but because I knew this was your game. This is what you do, and I still know this, so basically, I’m in a relationship, to tear myself away from you. Isn’t that crazy.. Silly. To My Side, I don’t know why you take me seriously, you have to know I’d never actually take you seriously, in a serious type of way. I’ve seen the worst of you when I only wanted to give you the best. So in the long run I’m just fucking you even more than you ever did to me. But doing it in a way that you know it’s happening, you just aren’t fully taking it all in. Yes, I am a shitty person, but you seem to think it’s the cutest. So play on player. The games began when you couldn’t keep you to me, and now I’ll never be yours. But you don’t have to know. To My Last, Show this to everyone, so they know and everything is finally done. I stopped giving a damn, when I knew I was just taking another trip in my past. I’ll be damned if I put effort in something just for it to be the same, and by the end that’s what it turned out to be, the same. I’m not being mean, or talking shit, but that’s how I felt, and why would I try and explain it to you when all I got was false promises and told, I’m changing, I’m changing, give me time. I only have limited time, and if you treating me how you did wasn’t something that was an easy fix, I don’t know. You can’t love someone with the passion and truth, while lying as well. And I’ll be damned if you say I didn’t care, because I was there, I pushed you and held you when you cried, and when you felt you didn’t have shit, I was on the other end of the phone telling you that you had me. I stayed up and didn’t sleep when you needed me, so if anything me leaving you when you were good and on top of your shit shows something way different than me not caring. I’m not a bad person, you’re doing for you now like you always wanted, so I don’t know why it was a big deal. But now that you’re over me, I can say this, because I know there aren’t any feelings coming from you anymore. Not saying I want that, because that’s the last thing I want. I just know I can finally say this. I know you’re happy, somewhere inside, I don’t know, just don’t treat her like shit, make sure you can actually say she’s different. In the end, I’m hurting myself, but I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.
Even though you don’t love me.
